FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
