The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
