Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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