Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
