Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
