I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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