I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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