We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
