My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
