I want to have your abortion
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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