i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
