i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We don't watch enough power rangers
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
