hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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