New low: just hacked my moms facebook
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
