kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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