mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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