Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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