is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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