Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
last night I used snow as a chaser
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
