The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
did i walk over a car last night?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
