Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
