I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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