So drunk its hurt
I'm eating all of the evidence.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
