walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
