I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
