Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
