Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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