proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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