You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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