My underwear smells like fireworks.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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