1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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