I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Is it penis luge time yet?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
