i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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