Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
