I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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