Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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