you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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