You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
