im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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