You can't special order awesome
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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