Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
