omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
