I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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