all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
