I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
