Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
