Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
