Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm both gender and math confused
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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