Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize