I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
