Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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