I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
