Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
