I'm gonna have a badass scar
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
