i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
