Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize