Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
The Olympian is in my bed
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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