your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
