she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize