He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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