I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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