i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
