I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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