I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
